I Have Joined the Ranks of the Gainfully Underemployed, Part One.

So, I knew going into this that my employment was going to be kind of sketchy and weird while I went to school.  But, I have been in business for myself for the last couple of years, so I just figured I'd be scheduling clients around my school schedule.  Sadly, the economy claimed my last two clients, and I wasn't able to secure any more by the end of the Spring semester.  So, I had to find a job that would work around my school schedule.

Unfortunately, the job that found me is in retail.

I don't want to say too much specific about this job, because I sort of need it and I don't want them to fire me for writing a blog.  Not that they'll ever find my blog unless I do something stupid like friend one of the children I work with, which is about as likely as me sharing clothes with Lady Gaga.  Suffice it to say that I work at a textbook store.

The first interview was a "group" interview, at which the general manager of all the stores told us what to expect.  Which is - this is a temporary job for the Fall rush, and it's minimum wage.  This is how far I've fallen, people.  Minimum wage.  I haven't worked for minimum wage since I was sixteen.  Our situation is such that there is no room in this for pride, so I decided to suck it up.  There was no real speaking on the candidates' part in this interview, except for the part where we all told the GM our schedules.  Later that same day, I got a phone call offering me the job.

I can only imagine that I got this job based on the following:

• I showed up.
• I did not appear to be drunk.
• I did not smell bad.
• I smiled encouragingly at the GM at the appropriate times.

That last one may not have mattered. 

There was a girl in that group interview for whom I would have sworn this was her first job interview.  She asked what she clearly felt were insightful questions, and beamed at the room full of silent people as though she had just given us all a cherished gift: the gift of her obvious competence.

An example of her questions:

GM:  Textbooks represent 80% of our total sales.
Over-Achieving Girl: What represents the other 20%?
GM: (completely deadpan) The other merchandise.

I can only imagine that this girl had read every available piece of advice on the internet on How To Land A Job or How To Ace An Interview or even possibly How To Make Everyone Else's Ass Twitch.  Because she is Over-Achieving, she is succeeding in all of these things like a boss.

The first day of work comes and lo and behold, Over-Achieving Girl was hired.  And put in the same team as me.  In the same store.  Now, she's a very nice girl, but she has some things working against her for me.  To wit:

• "I used to work at the Disney Store because I love kids.  But then they were really pressuring me to sell things instead of playing with the kids.  And I just wanted to play!"
• She likes to use everybody's name a lot in a single sentence.
• She will look around on your person or in your office to find some clue about you and then ask you personal questions purely for ass-kissing purposes.  The HR guy was humming while we were filling out paperwork.  She said "HR Guy, what kind of music do you like, HR Guy?"
• She introduces herself to everyone and then beams at you like she did you a personal favor.

In short, she is perfect for this job.

They send you into this job telling you that they're hiring a huge amount of people for the Fall Rush and then they will keep the best ten percent on a permanent basis.  This is an incentive to get the best possible work out of you without actually offering you a goddamn thing.  I thought that by virtue of the fact that I will likely be one of the only people there with a solid work ethic who knows her ass from her elbow, I was a shoo-in for this.  Do I want a minimum wage job for longer than a month?  Well, no.  But I need a job, and if this is all I can get right now, I will absolutely fucking take it.

I realize now that I will be the first person to go. 

There are many reasons for this, some of which I will list for you now.

• I literally cannot stand still for an hour and a half listening to the manager of the store explain to me the incredibly simple concepts behind the cash register.  I fidgeted.  I yawned.  I briefly contemplated wilting to the floor gracefully, as though I had swooned, just so I wouldn't be standing in one place anymore.  I asked to go to the bathroom before he was finished talking.  (I've given birth to two kids.  I pee when I sneeze.  Sue me.)
• I am absolutely older than everyone in the entire corporation.  Probably including the CEO.
• They all know this and they not-so-secretly feel superior to me because of it.
• They also feel not-so-secretly superior because they go to The Big School, and I go to CCC.  I did not try to explain to them the financial advantages inherent in my plan, because then I've officially become a Geezer Who Would Rather They Save Their Money Than Spend It On Beer.

The icing on the cake came when the manager asked everybody what their major is and why.  Over-Achieving Girl said, enthusiastically, "Psychology.  Because blah blah help people blah blah blah."  The manager said "That's great!  So-and-so who has been working for us for the last three weeks just graduated with a degree in psychology."  Ooooh, burn, Over-Achieving Girl!  See what he did there?  He just intimated that you're not going to find a job other than this one, even with your fancy degree!  (No, she did not see what he did there, by the way.)  Then there was the Girl I Can Stand, Because She Seems Smart, who said "Athletic somethingorother" that appears to mean she will one day be a personal trainer, thereby undermining my original assessment that she might be smart.  The tall guy said "Music Performance" and we had a brief sidebar about it because I was a music major the first time I went to college.  He's a guitar performance major.  (WHY OH WHY do parents let their children DO that??  You're practically ensuring that your child will one day become a busker for food.)

When it got to me, I said that I was an Accounting major because I have been a bookkeeper for a number of years and the difference between having a degree and not having a degree in that particular field is the difference of several thousand dollars per year.  They all looked at me as though I had perpetrated a huge faux pas, and then the manager dropped into the silence: "Well, good luck with that."

My only guess about where I went wrong is that I did not say I want to help people.  I didn't say I want to help them with their emotional issues, personal fitness or provide them with soothing music by which to shop for high-end clothes.  Because I don't.  I want to make buckets of money doing something I like, that I'm relatively good at, and that's it.  And one day, I want to travel the world.  I don't ask for much.

Upon my pronouncement, everybody shuffled a few extra inches away from me and we got on with our day.

Coming up, Part Two.