US History Liveblog #3: 9 Mar 2011

2:49pm - I'm starting to suspect that this dude reads my blog.  He started the class with "Here I am again, in this damn history class.  But hey - you bought the ticket."

Uh-oh.

I should note that I saw him today in the non-CCC affiliated cafe on the golf course next to the campus.  He was watching the History Channel.  Hey, friend: it's not helping.

First digression!  2:50pm - he's reminiscing about walking into a British courtroom and seeing the barristers, etc., with the wigs.  Insert Monty Python-esque Ministry of Silly Walks across the front of the classroom.

He says that one of the quintessential Enlightenment documents in existence is the United States Constitution.  Hmmmm, maybe.  I could see that, maybe.  And then he called the drafters of the Constitution "those boys."  Sigh.

We're revisiting the whole Benjamin Franklin deal that we talked about last week.  He just warned us not to put a key on the end of a kite in a lightning storm.  Thanks for your concern for our safety, sir.  Also don't try putting a metal rod on top of your house.  He doesn't suggest you should hire a professional to do that for you (hey, I've seen Dirty Jobs), just don't do it.  Ever.

And now, here's a story that happened earlier today.  I should preface this story by saying that I went to high school in the ghetto back in the day.  But today I was privy to the most interesting conversation I've listened to since I got to CCC.  One girl was talking to another girl - apparently they went to junior high together.  They were catching up on how some people from junior high were doing.  And then the whole thing devolved into a litany of people that each of them had fought with over some boy up until the present day.  Holy crap.  One of them said "If I've placed with you, I don't wanna be your friend."  Well, I shouldn't think so.  If I've had your fist slam into my face, I don't wanna be your friend, either.  The other one said "Well, I was gonna hit her, but I was boxing at the time, and my fists was registered.  So if I hit her, I'd have to go to jail.  I did go to jail for two weeks, though.  Because I fought the teacher that was trying to hold me back."  Awesome.  Unintentionally awesome.  I want to register my fists.  I want a certificate and everything.  It should have a picture of my fists and gold lettering and I will hang it on my wall.  Then if anybody pisses me off, I won't even say anything to them.  I'll just point silently to my certificate of registration for my fists.

Still talking about Ben Franklin.

So here's another story that happened earlier today.  We were talking about Napster in Radio and TV and the teacher asked the guy a question about it.  His response:  "I don't know.  I was, like, eight at the time."  I have no words.

Oh, he does have our tests!  Redemption!  But he won't give them to us until the end of class.  Redemption, again, revoked.  I don't think he's ever been redeemed without revocation.  He remains unredeemed.

I really wish I had bought a Diet Dr. Pepper before this class.  I'm thirsty.

You know, sometimes, I think maybe he has weird little strokes.  He says two or three words that don't appear to have any connection to each other at all.  Like "lay exhorting."  What?

Second digression: televangelists.  He just impressed upon us his own personal diversity by claiming that he's been to synagogues, temples, White Christian Churches and Black Christian Churches.  Upon which he did his best impression of a "black church."  I'm sure the one black guy in our class loves that.  It was complete with "OH JAYSUS."  That wasn't racist at all.

Speaking of racist, he once told us that the origin of the word "honky" was the white boys that would date black girls and wouldn't go up to the house and ring the doorbell: they'd honk the car horn for them.  For the actual origin of the word "honky": http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/756/whats-the-origin-of-honky

By the way, did you know that you don't see a lot of white Baptists around these days?  Only black ones.  Somebody better tell my entire white Baptist family.

Now he's calling us all "brothers and sisters" like this is a church service.  AGONY.  TORTURE.  I AM DOING THIS FOR YOU, PEOPLE.

Not to be overly academic or to mince words:  "Why was the American Revolution a revolution at all?"

That's not overly academic or mincing words.  That's just a stupid question.  Anytime a band of rebels fights against an established government or regime, that's a revolution.  That's an actual definition.  Look it up.

He claims that the French Revolution and the Russian Revolution are actual revolutions.  But the American Revolution, not so much, because there were "no fundamental changes" after the war was over.  Because the slaves weren't free, women weren't un-oppressed, and still only landowners could vote.  So a better term would be "rebellion."  Noooooo, a rebellion is a failed revolution.  Doesn't the whole change from monarchy to democracy count as a fundamental change?  He says we should interpret it how we want.  Good.  I will.  Your ideas are prime examples of asshat fuckery.

Oh my Jesus.  He just said that British soldiers were called "lobster butts."  Lobsterbacks, you absolute assface.

There is a really long metal pole in this room for no discernible reason.  I want to hit him with it.

And now it's time for a dance break.  Just select your own music and boogie down right where you are, because you would be really bored if we all have to go through a description of 1700s British Society AGAIN.  He doesn't know much about this, either, but he thinks he does and he likes to talk about it.  A lot. 

Here are some other oft-repeated phrases:

• In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.  (We know.)
• A hungry man is an angry man.

If you're looking for a phrase for a new tattoo, please consider the above.

Now he's threatening imaginary penguins with an imaginary gun.  He wants them to fish for him.

If I don't have an A on this test, I'm going to flip a trashcan or something on my way out.  OK, not really, but I'll think about doing that.  And maybe if I think about it hard enough, I could do it telekinetically.  I'll probably be pissed off enough.  Kind of like the Firestarter.

First student walked out right now: 3:24pm.

I think maybe he lived in Australia for awhile and somebody lied to him and told him it was Britain.  Because whenever he lapses into stories about Britain, he uses an Australian accent.

Oh, mercy.  He just used the word "dudettes."

Sorry, I blanked again.  I think I was singing "Skip to My Lou" in my head.  3:30pm.  I'm really hoping he'll run out of steam soon, but I think that's a futile hope.

I have to say, the little restaurant on the golf course makes really great fries.  They were fresh and crispy.

I think I actually see my test in the stack.  It's calling to me.  "Help me!  Liberate me!"  I'm coming, test paper!  I just have to sit here until he finally runs out of words!

We're missing about half of the students today.  It's been that way all day.  People are just starting Spring Break early, I guess.  We're also missing The Amazing Spider-Man, but he might have just missed the bus.

3:35 - for the last two minutes, he's been reading a "quote" from Ethan Allen.  It said nothing about furniture.  In the same way, quotes from Sam Adams seem never to mention beer.

You know, I'm starting to think that we might just breeze right through the American Revolution without ever talking about a single event.  Just ideas.  It's really irritating.  I love the events.  And if the "ideas" are that it's not actually a revolution but more like a rebellion, he can take his ideas and shove them right where the sun doesn't shine.

He just claimed that the poor people of Boston never got married: they just cohabitated.  I may have to get a tattoo that says "I'm pretty sure that's not how it went."  I'll just point to it when my bullshit-meter goes off in this class.  I should probably get it done in neon, actual neon.  Save myself a shitload of pointing.

I'm not certain, but I think he might be trying to foment revolution here in this class.  I'm not sure if this is symbolic for the discussion or what.  He might be trying to overthrow something.  Or maybe he just likes rallies.

He claims that the people of Boston rioted (which they did) and knocked over Stamp Act kiosks with people in them and that was pretty much it.  I'm pretty sure that's not how it went.

You know, this class would probably be tolerable with a beer.  Or six.  I'd certainly be happier.

Actually said just now:  "How do you focus that energy?  BOOM."  Is that the answer?  Boom?  Is that a verb?  Is that the solution to the energy focus problem?

And then he just stopped.  This is the weirdest fucking class.  He's passing out the tests now, so I'm posting.  I'll let you know how I do.

US History Liveblog #1: 28 Feb 2011

2:50pm – Actual published start-time of class.  He’s not here yet.  So, on the syllabus today it says that we’ll be talking about The American Revolution, but given that we’re about three sections behind where the syllabus says we should be, I think I’ll take that with a grain of salt.

Also, there’s something wrong with this table.  It’s making my laptop sit crooked, so I have to press the heels of my hands on the keyboard area to make it behave and not wiggle like the lopsided table at a bar.

2:55pm – he just came in completely bundled up in his usual outerwear and announced “I hope you’re all enjoying this beautiful weather.”  It looks like he just walked in from Alaska.

He does not have our tests.  Is anybody surprised?  Also, he just found somebody’s cigarette butt right here on the floor in the classroom (WTF?) and put it in his back pocket.  That’s terrifying.  It wasn’t even his.

Now I guess we’re going to talk about the Oscars.  He just said “Did your people win last night?”  What people?  Do we as Americans now own stakes in Oscar nominees?  He has just informed us that Brits have one-act plays in the pubs in England instead of live music.  How perfectly fascinating.  He’s demonstrating a stutter in his description of The King’s Speech.  For two minutes now.  He suggests that everyone should travel to “wherever” because it “broadens your persona.”  Except Mexico.  He says don’t go there.

Well, he almost started class.  Now he’s talking about when he lived in London (apparently when he saw the one-act plays in the pubs) and he once knew a “Shakespeare dude.”  Insert Australian accent here.  Apparently, said “Shakespeare dude” liked to flit betwixt pub and playhouse, drinking pints in between cues.  Them’s the actions of a drunkard right there.

3:04pm – He’s promising us a “broader perspective on the passage of time” and claims that Early American History = “Ancient History.”  He still hasn’t defined what it is we’re going to talk about today.  But he’s giving us clues.  The American Revolution is not to be covered today, sadly.  I figured as much.

3:06pm – Topic still shrouded in mystery.  He just asked a guy in the front row, presumably as an aside, for the “email number for hot dates.”  Since we have yet to “gress,” does this count as a digression?

3:09pm - He just wrote on the board “Moral Economy, Mercantile Capitalism, Imperialism.”  The sad part is, he seems to get stuck on these three ideas repeatedly and he doesn’t appear to be able to do more than describe them.

Apparently we are definitely talking about Moral Economy at the very least.

I’m a little irritated that I came in to class today.  The main reason I did is because I wanted my test back.  Now that I’m not getting it back today, it makes me want to go home.

He’s claiming that people in early America had the right to pay the “just price” or exercise taxation populaire.  I’m going to have to check that one to see if it’s true.  More examples of Moral Economy: sumptuary laws, which he explains thusly: “If I’m a peasant, I’m prohibited to walk down the streets of Philadelphia or Boston or London or Paris with a sword on my belt, because swords are a mark of the aristocracy.”  He just used transvestites as another example of sumptuary law.  Was this a rampant problem in Colonial America?

Charavari.  What the hell is Charavari?  Oh, it’s like Twelfth Night.  He just sang the theme to The Jeffersons.  Apparently, the Jeffersons wouldn’t have been accepted in Colonial America.  Not only because they were black, but because they were upwardly mobile.

He just pronounced New Orleans “New Or-LON.” 

We have just spent the better part of six minutes giving repetitive examples of charavari.  Which is apparently pronounced “chah-ruh-varry.”  Which sounds like a type of beans or something.

I’m actually kind of proud of him.  We’ve made it about 14 minutes without a digression.

I just gave him an example he was asking for so that he would move on.

Aha!  3:22pm – Digression #1!  He’s contradicting himself with regards to the sumptuary law declaration.  Apparently hierarchical society *wasn’t* actually a law.  It was just a tradition.  He’s incorrectly equating marriage contracts and marriage licenses.  Digression within a digression!  He wants to talk about Homer.  Of The Iliad, not Homer Simpson.  He just declared categorically that Homer existed and all his stories were true.  I’m sure that the world of ancient literature owes this man a great boon.  

3:25pm – Digression is over, theoretically.  Oh wait – not so much.  He wants to shoot a rabbit and a deer on his land.  Or wrestle them to the ground.  I’m not sure.

He keeps advancing this theory that there was a common land system in Britain in the 16^th and 17^th centuries.  He claims that there were these great swaths of land that the nobles and landowners just let the peasants use for free, as it was in their best interest to make sure their people weren’t starving and with an eye to be proactive against revolution.  I’m pretty sure that’s not how it went.  He keeps referencing something called the “Enclosure Movement.”  He says that the peasants just woke up one morning and there was a huge metal fence surrounding this previously free land because nobles suddenly decided to grow crops and raise sheep for wool – both to export. 

We’re only about forty minutes in to a 1 ½ hour class, and I’m pretty much done.  Why did I come to class today again?  Oh yeah.  The test that he didn’t give back.

He just spelled “tobacco” – “tabacco.”

Digression #2 – his girlfriend reads nutritional labels.  He does not.

Cacao = “cacoa.”

Apparently, cotton wasn’t that big a deal until after the American Revolution.  I think that would be news to the slaves of the time.  Ditto indigo.

Digression #3 – his friends think salt is bad for you.

All of the cash crops of the 16^th and 17^th centuries were apparently addictive, stimulating appetite suppressants.  This, he suggests, was on purpose, to create demand for their supply.  I’m thinking probably not, given the fact that the science didn’t exist at the time to even make that idea occur to the farmers.  For the love of God, *germs* weren’t even discovered until the 19^th century.

HE JUST CLAIMED THAT BY THE TIME OF THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, EVERY WORKING CLASS FAMILY HAD TOBACCO AND CHOCOLATE AT THE READY.  It was a normal, everyday staple in both Britain and America.  They’d just throw chocolate bars in with their lunches on the daily.

This is actually getting disheartening, just how far off he is.  It’s a really good thing he doesn’t check attendance, because I can only stomach this about once a week.

Did you know that Gandhi wore serapes?  I wonder if he had a sombrero, too.  And maybe some maracas.  At the very least, castanets.  Also, he liked to flip off the British when nobody was looking.  Gandhi sounds like a pretty cool dude.  Not as much about all that peace shit as I thought.

So far, we have not talked about a single actual event in this class.  We’ve talked about culture and generalities, but not a single actual historical event.

There are thirteen minutes left in this class.  Three people have left already.  I wish I was one of them. 

Digression #4:  I honestly can’t figure out where we’re going here.  He’s talking about guilds and just randomly yelling “The British are coming!  The British are coming!”  But we’re not talking about the American Revolution yet.  Is it because Paul Revere was a silversmith?  What does that have to do with boots?  He has just repeated the exact same three sentences twice in a row.  It’s like the record skipped and restarted.

“And now with the few minutes remaining to us: The Poor.”  We have six minutes to cover an immense global issue.

After that, he trails off to a mumble and then announces “I’ll see you Wednesday!!”  That’s probably true, given that he still has my test to hold over me.  But next Monday?  Maybe not.  Maybe I’ll make my attendance to this class a weekly thing on Wednesdays: the only day I have another class after this one.  While I'm intensely curious about what he's going to come up with next, I'm far less keen on torturing myself twice weekly.