The Summer semester has started! Today, actually. And it started with a bang. Apparently because we're on a condensed schedule, we are going to make the very most of every single second, by the power of Greyskull.
I have a map test on Wednesday for my History class. I have to know where Chicago is, among other things.
I don't know where Chicago is, technically.
I have been to Chicago. I've actually driven to Chicago from my house. (Or, more accurately, from my friend Christy's house, which is in St. Louis. But I drove to St. Louis from my house. It's how I suddenly realized that St. Louis is sort of in the mountains, which I didn't know, despite having been there before.)
Do I get credit for having driven there? No, I do not. It's totally unfair. I can tell you how to get there from here, but I get no credit for that. I have to find it on a map.
I also have to name all fifty states, locate many major rivers, label all five Great Lakes and several other large cities in America, many of which I have also visited but couldn't possibly find on a map. Clearly, I have to study.
Here's what I don't have to study. I have to also find Canada, Mexico, the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. I'm pretty confident in my ability, there.
Frankly, I'm just a bit shocked that there's a test so damned fast. Fortunately, it doesn't cover any material from the book, because I would just be screwed if it did, as I don't have the book. I have plans to get said book, but as of now, I don't have it. I'm pretty sure that this makes me a slacker.
The whole map test thing is actually pretty amusing to me, considering I haven't had one since my junior year in high school. It was a hard one, too. Which is why I still remember it. I don't think it scarred me for life, but I guess we won't know for sure until I take this new map test. If I have a panic attack and start thumping my head against the desk in the Testing Center, we'll know for sure, won't we.
Showing posts with label US History. Show all posts
Showing posts with label US History. Show all posts
Monday, May 23, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Death of a US History Professor
Last Wednesday, I went to US History class, after sitting around at the bar at the golf course on campus (no joke - it is not as glamorous as it sounds, but it does have some really good french fries) with Brian, one of the guys from my class. We were waiting for our US History professor. We planned to buy him beers and ingratiate ourselves so that he would like our term papers and give us As. He never showed up, so we just talked for an hour or so and went to class.
Upon our arrival, the guy who teaches the class before our class was still at the front of the room. He wasn't packing up. He was just hanging out. After a few of us got there, he says "I'm sorry to tell you - your prof died over the weekend."
Oh. That would be why he never turned up at the bar.
I, like the idiot that I am, said "Are you serious?" Because really, is a seventy-something-year-old man going to joke about something like that? I know I wouldn't, if I were seventy-something, because I'd always be afraid that Death was standing over my shoulder, ready to make an example of me and my flip ass. So, yes. He was totally serious. We have absolutely no details (and I even looked up the obituary - it's just a death notice), so we have no idea what happened. We did discover that he had a wife. I had heard he had a French girlfriend. He may have had both. Wily old bastard.
Understandably, the new guy was baffled at our class rules. He just kept saying to himself "open book tests?!" as if we had told him that the professor had taught our class wearing reindeer antlers and a fuschia-pink serape. We did manage to convince him to keep our open-book test, and to keep our attendance-free policy, because it wasn't fair to the people who had developed expectations of the class based on the syllabus. (We like to call those people Test Day people, because that's the only time we see them.) I'm going to class today just to see what it's like.
While I thought he was a horrible history professor, he was a pretty nice guy. And I'm so sorry to hear of his passing. I feel really badly for his wife, and possibly his girlfriend, if he had one. And his kids, which I know he had, because he told me about them once. But I can't help but be glad that, if he's in heaven now, he's got all the facts straight. And also, if he's up there, he's probably read this blog. Sorry for making fun of you so much, Miller, but really - you deserved it.
Upon our arrival, the guy who teaches the class before our class was still at the front of the room. He wasn't packing up. He was just hanging out. After a few of us got there, he says "I'm sorry to tell you - your prof died over the weekend."
Oh. That would be why he never turned up at the bar.
I, like the idiot that I am, said "Are you serious?" Because really, is a seventy-something-year-old man going to joke about something like that? I know I wouldn't, if I were seventy-something, because I'd always be afraid that Death was standing over my shoulder, ready to make an example of me and my flip ass. So, yes. He was totally serious. We have absolutely no details (and I even looked up the obituary - it's just a death notice), so we have no idea what happened. We did discover that he had a wife. I had heard he had a French girlfriend. He may have had both. Wily old bastard.
Understandably, the new guy was baffled at our class rules. He just kept saying to himself "open book tests?!" as if we had told him that the professor had taught our class wearing reindeer antlers and a fuschia-pink serape. We did manage to convince him to keep our open-book test, and to keep our attendance-free policy, because it wasn't fair to the people who had developed expectations of the class based on the syllabus. (We like to call those people Test Day people, because that's the only time we see them.) I'm going to class today just to see what it's like.
While I thought he was a horrible history professor, he was a pretty nice guy. And I'm so sorry to hear of his passing. I feel really badly for his wife, and possibly his girlfriend, if he had one. And his kids, which I know he had, because he told me about them once. But I can't help but be glad that, if he's in heaven now, he's got all the facts straight. And also, if he's up there, he's probably read this blog. Sorry for making fun of you so much, Miller, but really - you deserved it.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Got My Test Back.
I've been so mad about this that I couldn't even speak of it for the last day or so. It's my own personal hurt locker right now. Except instead of "hurt" that should say "RAGE."
I got an A-/B+. He can't even grade correctly.
What this means, apparently, is that my actual grade on this test depends on the rest of my body of work. If it's crap, I get the B+. If the rest of it is good, I get an A-.
Is that even legal? I have never heard of this in my life.
Here's what I ended up getting dinged for: he wanted me to cite more historical references on the second essay question, despite my detailed explanation of the triangle trade. And also, use conclusions. On a question that says "DESCRIBE." There is no conclusion - it's a fucking description!
I could use about a thousand exclamation points after that last sentence, but since I am not a hack, I won't.
I am sucking it up. I am moving on. Despite my clearly superior essay writing skills and the pretentious little note he left at the bottom of the page.
Oh yeah, and the first page of short answers? Not a mark on them. I'm not even sure he read them. Bastard.
I got an A-/B+. He can't even grade correctly.
What this means, apparently, is that my actual grade on this test depends on the rest of my body of work. If it's crap, I get the B+. If the rest of it is good, I get an A-.
Is that even legal? I have never heard of this in my life.
Here's what I ended up getting dinged for: he wanted me to cite more historical references on the second essay question, despite my detailed explanation of the triangle trade. And also, use conclusions. On a question that says "DESCRIBE." There is no conclusion - it's a fucking description!
I could use about a thousand exclamation points after that last sentence, but since I am not a hack, I won't.
I am sucking it up. I am moving on. Despite my clearly superior essay writing skills and the pretentious little note he left at the bottom of the page.
Oh yeah, and the first page of short answers? Not a mark on them. I'm not even sure he read them. Bastard.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
US History Liveblog #3: 9 Mar 2011
2:49pm - I'm starting to suspect that this dude reads my blog. He started the class with "Here I am again, in this damn history class. But hey - you bought the ticket."
Uh-oh.
I should note that I saw him today in the non-CCC affiliated cafe on the golf course next to the campus. He was watching the History Channel. Hey, friend: it's not helping.
First digression! 2:50pm - he's reminiscing about walking into a British courtroom and seeing the barristers, etc., with the wigs. Insert Monty Python-esque Ministry of Silly Walks across the front of the classroom.
He says that one of the quintessential Enlightenment documents in existence is the United States Constitution. Hmmmm, maybe. I could see that, maybe. And then he called the drafters of the Constitution "those boys." Sigh.
We're revisiting the whole Benjamin Franklin deal that we talked about last week. He just warned us not to put a key on the end of a kite in a lightning storm. Thanks for your concern for our safety, sir. Also don't try putting a metal rod on top of your house. He doesn't suggest you should hire a professional to do that for you (hey, I've seen Dirty Jobs), just don't do it. Ever.
And now, here's a story that happened earlier today. I should preface this story by saying that I went to high school in the ghetto back in the day. But today I was privy to the most interesting conversation I've listened to since I got to CCC. One girl was talking to another girl - apparently they went to junior high together. They were catching up on how some people from junior high were doing. And then the whole thing devolved into a litany of people that each of them had fought with over some boy up until the present day. Holy crap. One of them said "If I've placed with you, I don't wanna be your friend." Well, I shouldn't think so. If I've had your fist slam into my face, I don't wanna be your friend, either. The other one said "Well, I was gonna hit her, but I was boxing at the time, and my fists was registered. So if I hit her, I'd have to go to jail. I did go to jail for two weeks, though. Because I fought the teacher that was trying to hold me back." Awesome. Unintentionally awesome. I want to register my fists. I want a certificate and everything. It should have a picture of my fists and gold lettering and I will hang it on my wall. Then if anybody pisses me off, I won't even say anything to them. I'll just point silently to my certificate of registration for my fists.
Still talking about Ben Franklin.
So here's another story that happened earlier today. We were talking about Napster in Radio and TV and the teacher asked the guy a question about it. His response: "I don't know. I was, like, eight at the time." I have no words.
Oh, he does have our tests! Redemption! But he won't give them to us until the end of class. Redemption, again, revoked. I don't think he's ever been redeemed without revocation. He remains unredeemed.
I really wish I had bought a Diet Dr. Pepper before this class. I'm thirsty.
You know, sometimes, I think maybe he has weird little strokes. He says two or three words that don't appear to have any connection to each other at all. Like "lay exhorting." What?
Second digression: televangelists. He just impressed upon us his own personal diversity by claiming that he's been to synagogues, temples, White Christian Churches and Black Christian Churches. Upon which he did his best impression of a "black church." I'm sure the one black guy in our class loves that. It was complete with "OH JAYSUS." That wasn't racist at all.
Speaking of racist, he once told us that the origin of the word "honky" was the white boys that would date black girls and wouldn't go up to the house and ring the doorbell: they'd honk the car horn for them. For the actual origin of the word "honky": http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/756/whats-the-origin-of-honky
By the way, did you know that you don't see a lot of white Baptists around these days? Only black ones. Somebody better tell my entire white Baptist family.
Now he's calling us all "brothers and sisters" like this is a church service. AGONY. TORTURE. I AM DOING THIS FOR YOU, PEOPLE.
Not to be overly academic or to mince words: "Why was the American Revolution a revolution at all?"
That's not overly academic or mincing words. That's just a stupid question. Anytime a band of rebels fights against an established government or regime, that's a revolution. That's an actual definition. Look it up.
He claims that the French Revolution and the Russian Revolution are actual revolutions. But the American Revolution, not so much, because there were "no fundamental changes" after the war was over. Because the slaves weren't free, women weren't un-oppressed, and still only landowners could vote. So a better term would be "rebellion." Noooooo, a rebellion is a failed revolution. Doesn't the whole change from monarchy to democracy count as a fundamental change? He says we should interpret it how we want. Good. I will. Your ideas are prime examples of asshat fuckery.
Oh my Jesus. He just said that British soldiers were called "lobster butts." Lobsterbacks, you absolute assface.
There is a really long metal pole in this room for no discernible reason. I want to hit him with it.
And now it's time for a dance break. Just select your own music and boogie down right where you are, because you would be really bored if we all have to go through a description of 1700s British Society AGAIN. He doesn't know much about this, either, but he thinks he does and he likes to talk about it. A lot.
Here are some other oft-repeated phrases:
Now he's threatening imaginary penguins with an imaginary gun. He wants them to fish for him.
If I don't have an A on this test, I'm going to flip a trashcan or something on my way out. OK, not really, but I'll think about doing that. And maybe if I think about it hard enough, I could do it telekinetically. I'll probably be pissed off enough. Kind of like the Firestarter.
First student walked out right now: 3:24pm.
I think maybe he lived in Australia for awhile and somebody lied to him and told him it was Britain. Because whenever he lapses into stories about Britain, he uses an Australian accent.
Oh, mercy. He just used the word "dudettes."
Sorry, I blanked again. I think I was singing "Skip to My Lou" in my head. 3:30pm. I'm really hoping he'll run out of steam soon, but I think that's a futile hope.
I have to say, the little restaurant on the golf course makes really great fries. They were fresh and crispy.
I think I actually see my test in the stack. It's calling to me. "Help me! Liberate me!" I'm coming, test paper! I just have to sit here until he finally runs out of words!
We're missing about half of the students today. It's been that way all day. People are just starting Spring Break early, I guess. We're also missing The Amazing Spider-Man, but he might have just missed the bus.
3:35 - for the last two minutes, he's been reading a "quote" from Ethan Allen. It said nothing about furniture. In the same way, quotes from Sam Adams seem never to mention beer.
You know, I'm starting to think that we might just breeze right through the American Revolution without ever talking about a single event. Just ideas. It's really irritating. I love the events. And if the "ideas" are that it's not actually a revolution but more like a rebellion, he can take his ideas and shove them right where the sun doesn't shine.
He just claimed that the poor people of Boston never got married: they just cohabitated. I may have to get a tattoo that says "I'm pretty sure that's not how it went." I'll just point to it when my bullshit-meter goes off in this class. I should probably get it done in neon, actual neon. Save myself a shitload of pointing.
I'm not certain, but I think he might be trying to foment revolution here in this class. I'm not sure if this is symbolic for the discussion or what. He might be trying to overthrow something. Or maybe he just likes rallies.
He claims that the people of Boston rioted (which they did) and knocked over Stamp Act kiosks with people in them and that was pretty much it. I'm pretty sure that's not how it went.
You know, this class would probably be tolerable with a beer. Or six. I'd certainly be happier.
Actually said just now: "How do you focus that energy? BOOM." Is that the answer? Boom? Is that a verb? Is that the solution to the energy focus problem?
And then he just stopped. This is the weirdest fucking class. He's passing out the tests now, so I'm posting. I'll let you know how I do.
Uh-oh.
I should note that I saw him today in the non-CCC affiliated cafe on the golf course next to the campus. He was watching the History Channel. Hey, friend: it's not helping.
First digression! 2:50pm - he's reminiscing about walking into a British courtroom and seeing the barristers, etc., with the wigs. Insert Monty Python-esque Ministry of Silly Walks across the front of the classroom.
He says that one of the quintessential Enlightenment documents in existence is the United States Constitution. Hmmmm, maybe. I could see that, maybe. And then he called the drafters of the Constitution "those boys." Sigh.
We're revisiting the whole Benjamin Franklin deal that we talked about last week. He just warned us not to put a key on the end of a kite in a lightning storm. Thanks for your concern for our safety, sir. Also don't try putting a metal rod on top of your house. He doesn't suggest you should hire a professional to do that for you (hey, I've seen Dirty Jobs), just don't do it. Ever.
And now, here's a story that happened earlier today. I should preface this story by saying that I went to high school in the ghetto back in the day. But today I was privy to the most interesting conversation I've listened to since I got to CCC. One girl was talking to another girl - apparently they went to junior high together. They were catching up on how some people from junior high were doing. And then the whole thing devolved into a litany of people that each of them had fought with over some boy up until the present day. Holy crap. One of them said "If I've placed with you, I don't wanna be your friend." Well, I shouldn't think so. If I've had your fist slam into my face, I don't wanna be your friend, either. The other one said "Well, I was gonna hit her, but I was boxing at the time, and my fists was registered. So if I hit her, I'd have to go to jail. I did go to jail for two weeks, though. Because I fought the teacher that was trying to hold me back." Awesome. Unintentionally awesome. I want to register my fists. I want a certificate and everything. It should have a picture of my fists and gold lettering and I will hang it on my wall. Then if anybody pisses me off, I won't even say anything to them. I'll just point silently to my certificate of registration for my fists.
Still talking about Ben Franklin.
So here's another story that happened earlier today. We were talking about Napster in Radio and TV and the teacher asked the guy a question about it. His response: "I don't know. I was, like, eight at the time." I have no words.
Oh, he does have our tests! Redemption! But he won't give them to us until the end of class. Redemption, again, revoked. I don't think he's ever been redeemed without revocation. He remains unredeemed.
I really wish I had bought a Diet Dr. Pepper before this class. I'm thirsty.
You know, sometimes, I think maybe he has weird little strokes. He says two or three words that don't appear to have any connection to each other at all. Like "lay exhorting." What?
Second digression: televangelists. He just impressed upon us his own personal diversity by claiming that he's been to synagogues, temples, White Christian Churches and Black Christian Churches. Upon which he did his best impression of a "black church." I'm sure the one black guy in our class loves that. It was complete with "OH JAYSUS." That wasn't racist at all.
Speaking of racist, he once told us that the origin of the word "honky" was the white boys that would date black girls and wouldn't go up to the house and ring the doorbell: they'd honk the car horn for them. For the actual origin of the word "honky": http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/756/whats-the-origin-of-honky
By the way, did you know that you don't see a lot of white Baptists around these days? Only black ones. Somebody better tell my entire white Baptist family.
Now he's calling us all "brothers and sisters" like this is a church service. AGONY. TORTURE. I AM DOING THIS FOR YOU, PEOPLE.
Not to be overly academic or to mince words: "Why was the American Revolution a revolution at all?"
That's not overly academic or mincing words. That's just a stupid question. Anytime a band of rebels fights against an established government or regime, that's a revolution. That's an actual definition. Look it up.
He claims that the French Revolution and the Russian Revolution are actual revolutions. But the American Revolution, not so much, because there were "no fundamental changes" after the war was over. Because the slaves weren't free, women weren't un-oppressed, and still only landowners could vote. So a better term would be "rebellion." Noooooo, a rebellion is a failed revolution. Doesn't the whole change from monarchy to democracy count as a fundamental change? He says we should interpret it how we want. Good. I will. Your ideas are prime examples of asshat fuckery.
Oh my Jesus. He just said that British soldiers were called "lobster butts." Lobsterbacks, you absolute assface.
There is a really long metal pole in this room for no discernible reason. I want to hit him with it.
And now it's time for a dance break. Just select your own music and boogie down right where you are, because you would be really bored if we all have to go through a description of 1700s British Society AGAIN. He doesn't know much about this, either, but he thinks he does and he likes to talk about it. A lot.
Here are some other oft-repeated phrases:
- In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. (We know.)
- A hungry man is an angry man.
Now he's threatening imaginary penguins with an imaginary gun. He wants them to fish for him.
If I don't have an A on this test, I'm going to flip a trashcan or something on my way out. OK, not really, but I'll think about doing that. And maybe if I think about it hard enough, I could do it telekinetically. I'll probably be pissed off enough. Kind of like the Firestarter.
First student walked out right now: 3:24pm.
I think maybe he lived in Australia for awhile and somebody lied to him and told him it was Britain. Because whenever he lapses into stories about Britain, he uses an Australian accent.
Oh, mercy. He just used the word "dudettes."
Sorry, I blanked again. I think I was singing "Skip to My Lou" in my head. 3:30pm. I'm really hoping he'll run out of steam soon, but I think that's a futile hope.
I have to say, the little restaurant on the golf course makes really great fries. They were fresh and crispy.
I think I actually see my test in the stack. It's calling to me. "Help me! Liberate me!" I'm coming, test paper! I just have to sit here until he finally runs out of words!
We're missing about half of the students today. It's been that way all day. People are just starting Spring Break early, I guess. We're also missing The Amazing Spider-Man, but he might have just missed the bus.
3:35 - for the last two minutes, he's been reading a "quote" from Ethan Allen. It said nothing about furniture. In the same way, quotes from Sam Adams seem never to mention beer.
You know, I'm starting to think that we might just breeze right through the American Revolution without ever talking about a single event. Just ideas. It's really irritating. I love the events. And if the "ideas" are that it's not actually a revolution but more like a rebellion, he can take his ideas and shove them right where the sun doesn't shine.
He just claimed that the poor people of Boston never got married: they just cohabitated. I may have to get a tattoo that says "I'm pretty sure that's not how it went." I'll just point to it when my bullshit-meter goes off in this class. I should probably get it done in neon, actual neon. Save myself a shitload of pointing.
I'm not certain, but I think he might be trying to foment revolution here in this class. I'm not sure if this is symbolic for the discussion or what. He might be trying to overthrow something. Or maybe he just likes rallies.
He claims that the people of Boston rioted (which they did) and knocked over Stamp Act kiosks with people in them and that was pretty much it. I'm pretty sure that's not how it went.
You know, this class would probably be tolerable with a beer. Or six. I'd certainly be happier.
Actually said just now: "How do you focus that energy? BOOM." Is that the answer? Boom? Is that a verb? Is that the solution to the energy focus problem?
And then he just stopped. This is the weirdest fucking class. He's passing out the tests now, so I'm posting. I'll let you know how I do.
Agony + Torture = US History Class
I'm out of sorts today.
My hair is frizzy. My hands are dry. I've broken two fingernails since I got up this morning. It's cold...ish, so I keep having to take off my jacket when I get a bit too hot and put it back on when I get a bit too cold. I could really use a pedicure. I'm so tired and so ready for Spring Break that I'm already considering doing the hobo thing and sleeping in my car during the break before afternoon classes. I'm hungry but the little cafe that does awesome breakfast tacos seems like it's a hundred miles away, and now the choice is do I trudge those hundred miles or do I just suffer? (You know I'm going to trudge. Just as soon as I quit being so goddamn lazy.)
And to top it all off, today, I have to go to US History.
Now that I know he can focus, it's a split kind of torture. Either the class can be the most boring class known to mankind, or it can be a bewildering mass of contradictions that just might send me into a coma of absolute befuddlement. Either way, I don't wanna go.
But this is what you sign up for, right? It's a crapshoot. Some classes are going to be crap, and you're going to hate them. And some classes you're going to love. Irrationally, I really like my algebra class, despite the fact that algebra makes me want to punch a baby. I like the teacher, I like the people, and he makes the subject matter a lot less mystifying and a lot less terrifying. It's a good class. I like Introduction to Radio and TV okay, despite the fact that it's not what I wanted and there's this annoying bastard that sits behind me and mutters the entire time in a really deep voice that I can't really decipher but is so constant that it makes me want to be Hermione Granger and turn around and shush him. I really, really like Business Computing, which is tonight. (And I realize that I haven't written a word about Business Computing yet, but that's just because I have not yet obtained the vocabulary required to describe the awesome feelings of love I have for the teacher of that class.)
Update: The jacket is back on and is getting stuffy again. And I've lost the third fingernail of the morning. I think maybe I need vitamins of some sort.
I just cannot get over my utter hatred of US History. Well, not the subject matter - I love US history. I love history of all sorts. I just hate this class. I hate even more that I inflicted it on myself. It's becoming very difficult not to walk to the front of the class, shove the dude to the side and start teaching the class myself. I would say "I have no prepared remarks, or a degree of any kind, but I figure I can't do any worse than this joker." And then I would be arrested for impersonating a history professor. Then I'd go to jail or something. Maybe nerd jail. Do they have jailhouse bitches in nerd jail? Would I just have to deal with getting pwnd at video games all the time and that's the worst it could be? I might have to do algebra in there. This is a bad idea.
Maybe I should just look into having him arrested for the same thing. Then he can go get pwnd at Call of Duty or whatever and have to do algebra. Maybe they give you swirlies in there. He deserves a swirly. Maybe I should give him one. Or maybe not. He might be stronger than he looks, and I'm already tired with frizzy hair, dry heels and hands and three broken fingernails.
Probably I'm just going to have to settle for sitting in the back of the class and liveblogging him while trying to keep my eyes in my head and looking at pictures of babies on the internet. Goddammit.
My hair is frizzy. My hands are dry. I've broken two fingernails since I got up this morning. It's cold...ish, so I keep having to take off my jacket when I get a bit too hot and put it back on when I get a bit too cold. I could really use a pedicure. I'm so tired and so ready for Spring Break that I'm already considering doing the hobo thing and sleeping in my car during the break before afternoon classes. I'm hungry but the little cafe that does awesome breakfast tacos seems like it's a hundred miles away, and now the choice is do I trudge those hundred miles or do I just suffer? (You know I'm going to trudge. Just as soon as I quit being so goddamn lazy.)
And to top it all off, today, I have to go to US History.
Now that I know he can focus, it's a split kind of torture. Either the class can be the most boring class known to mankind, or it can be a bewildering mass of contradictions that just might send me into a coma of absolute befuddlement. Either way, I don't wanna go.
But this is what you sign up for, right? It's a crapshoot. Some classes are going to be crap, and you're going to hate them. And some classes you're going to love. Irrationally, I really like my algebra class, despite the fact that algebra makes me want to punch a baby. I like the teacher, I like the people, and he makes the subject matter a lot less mystifying and a lot less terrifying. It's a good class. I like Introduction to Radio and TV okay, despite the fact that it's not what I wanted and there's this annoying bastard that sits behind me and mutters the entire time in a really deep voice that I can't really decipher but is so constant that it makes me want to be Hermione Granger and turn around and shush him. I really, really like Business Computing, which is tonight. (And I realize that I haven't written a word about Business Computing yet, but that's just because I have not yet obtained the vocabulary required to describe the awesome feelings of love I have for the teacher of that class.)
Update: The jacket is back on and is getting stuffy again. And I've lost the third fingernail of the morning. I think maybe I need vitamins of some sort.
I just cannot get over my utter hatred of US History. Well, not the subject matter - I love US history. I love history of all sorts. I just hate this class. I hate even more that I inflicted it on myself. It's becoming very difficult not to walk to the front of the class, shove the dude to the side and start teaching the class myself. I would say "I have no prepared remarks, or a degree of any kind, but I figure I can't do any worse than this joker." And then I would be arrested for impersonating a history professor. Then I'd go to jail or something. Maybe nerd jail. Do they have jailhouse bitches in nerd jail? Would I just have to deal with getting pwnd at video games all the time and that's the worst it could be? I might have to do algebra in there. This is a bad idea.
Maybe I should just look into having him arrested for the same thing. Then he can go get pwnd at Call of Duty or whatever and have to do algebra. Maybe they give you swirlies in there. He deserves a swirly. Maybe I should give him one. Or maybe not. He might be stronger than he looks, and I'm already tired with frizzy hair, dry heels and hands and three broken fingernails.
Probably I'm just going to have to settle for sitting in the back of the class and liveblogging him while trying to keep my eyes in my head and looking at pictures of babies on the internet. Goddammit.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
US History Liveblog #2: 2 Mar 2011
2:52pm - Only two minutes late today. He just walked in.
I don't think he has our tests today, either. I am trying really hard not to lose my mind right now. He's being incredibly secretive about it.
Apparently, we didn't finish talking about Moral Economy, etc. I cannot imagine what's left to say about that.
Oh, maybe we did. We're going to talk about The History of Ideas. I'm not certain that's part of the curriculum for a US History class. Oh, Lord. He's begging our pardon in advance for "waxing philosophical." This is going to be painful for me, and hilarious for you. Enjoy your time in CCC's US History I class today.
He just said "Is the pen mightier than the sword?" Is that what we're talking about today? For reals?
Your feelings on the world will be influenced by your beliefs on the world. Just so's you know.
Wait a minute. If Plato, Aristotle and Friends are "the Ancients," how the hell is American History "Ancient History" as he asserted on Monday? Does he not see the disparity of years there?
Oh, apparently Atlantis is sunk off the eastern coast of South America. It'll be found one day, he says. So not only do scholars of ancient literature owe him for the Homer declaration on Monday, but archaeologists, too.
He is pointing directly into some poor girl's face, accusing her of eating the proverbial Apple in Eden. I just don't think she looks old enough for that.
Thank you, Wiki, for clarifying the Chain of Being. Not only for myself, but apparently for this professor, too, because he's giving us a watered-down version of it.
This table is still making my laptop crooked.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus. He's singing "If I Were the King of the Forest" from The Wizard of Oz.
3:05pm - 13 minutes in, and no digression so far. He is, however, cracking himself up, so that may be why we're not digressing.
He is following the outline of the Great Chain of Being article from Wiki almost exactly. I'm sort of following along.
3:07 - First story of the day about British people. He says that they currently - in current day Britain - spend time arguing around the dinner table about whether or not a marquis is higher than an earl. He guarantees it. This is surprising to me, because that issue isn't an opinion. There's a very clear set of rules there, and I bet you could Google it right at the dinner table, even if you were a savage.
3:13pm - He's singing "You Sexy Thing." But he still hasn't digressed, technically. He's just using it for some sort of emphasis. We're at 21 minutes now without digression. This has got to be a record.
There is a TV in this classroom. I would like it a lot better if he just let us watch the History Channel or something twice a week.
I see. We're talking about the Enlightenment, not so much The History of Ideas. It took him 24 minutes to mention that.
Do you have an intellectual sword? This man does.
Oh, Lord. He just said "I don't want to be offensive here, but..." So far, every time he has said that, he has been horribly offensive. Oh, not too bad. He used it to justify questioning the Immaculate Conception. Well, that was very conscientious of him.
This class is making a lot more sense than most of his other classes. Which leads me to believe that maybe this is what he did his thesis on.
3:21pm - Still on topic! This is bound to be a record!
Even if he doesn't have our tests today and promises them on Monday, I'm still not coming here on Monday. My brain can't take it. I love you all, but I can't throw myself on that particular pyre more than once a week.
He's still talking about Isaac Newton in a rambling sort of way, so I'm going to take this moment to tell you that I ran someone off the road in between my classes today. It was really the fault of a rogue ambulance that tried to kill us all. I was trying to get out of its way when I ran into someone else's lane that I didn't see and they ran up on the curb and tore up the lawn of an office building. Then we all met up at a parking lot down the road and assessed the damage. There was none, other than a bunch of people (myself included) who thought they were having heart attacks. But the dude who came out of the car in question had a full-on grill in his mouth, top and bottom. I thought I was going to get my ass kicked. Which just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover, because the first thing he said was "Hey, are you okay?" To which I said, "Yes, are you okay?" And then I apologized, and they accepted, and everybody drove off. Weirdest effing thing.
I really should probably buy a little bottle of lotion and keep it in my bag. My hands are really dry.
The girl next to me mumbled something at me before she left. I think she does not care for the liveblog. Too bad for her that I don't care what she thinks.
I don't think he has our tests today, either. I am trying really hard not to lose my mind right now. He's being incredibly secretive about it.
Apparently, we didn't finish talking about Moral Economy, etc. I cannot imagine what's left to say about that.
Oh, maybe we did. We're going to talk about The History of Ideas. I'm not certain that's part of the curriculum for a US History class. Oh, Lord. He's begging our pardon in advance for "waxing philosophical." This is going to be painful for me, and hilarious for you. Enjoy your time in CCC's US History I class today.
He just said "Is the pen mightier than the sword?" Is that what we're talking about today? For reals?
Your feelings on the world will be influenced by your beliefs on the world. Just so's you know.
Wait a minute. If Plato, Aristotle and Friends are "the Ancients," how the hell is American History "Ancient History" as he asserted on Monday? Does he not see the disparity of years there?
Oh, apparently Atlantis is sunk off the eastern coast of South America. It'll be found one day, he says. So not only do scholars of ancient literature owe him for the Homer declaration on Monday, but archaeologists, too.
He is pointing directly into some poor girl's face, accusing her of eating the proverbial Apple in Eden. I just don't think she looks old enough for that.
Thank you, Wiki, for clarifying the Chain of Being. Not only for myself, but apparently for this professor, too, because he's giving us a watered-down version of it.
This table is still making my laptop crooked.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus. He's singing "If I Were the King of the Forest" from The Wizard of Oz.
3:05pm - 13 minutes in, and no digression so far. He is, however, cracking himself up, so that may be why we're not digressing.
He is following the outline of the Great Chain of Being article from Wiki almost exactly. I'm sort of following along.
3:07 - First story of the day about British people. He says that they currently - in current day Britain - spend time arguing around the dinner table about whether or not a marquis is higher than an earl. He guarantees it. This is surprising to me, because that issue isn't an opinion. There's a very clear set of rules there, and I bet you could Google it right at the dinner table, even if you were a savage.
3:13pm - He's singing "You Sexy Thing." But he still hasn't digressed, technically. He's just using it for some sort of emphasis. We're at 21 minutes now without digression. This has got to be a record.
There is a TV in this classroom. I would like it a lot better if he just let us watch the History Channel or something twice a week.
I see. We're talking about the Enlightenment, not so much The History of Ideas. It took him 24 minutes to mention that.
Do you have an intellectual sword? This man does.
Oh, Lord. He just said "I don't want to be offensive here, but..." So far, every time he has said that, he has been horribly offensive. Oh, not too bad. He used it to justify questioning the Immaculate Conception. Well, that was very conscientious of him.
This class is making a lot more sense than most of his other classes. Which leads me to believe that maybe this is what he did his thesis on.
3:21pm - Still on topic! This is bound to be a record!
Even if he doesn't have our tests today and promises them on Monday, I'm still not coming here on Monday. My brain can't take it. I love you all, but I can't throw myself on that particular pyre more than once a week.
He's still talking about Isaac Newton in a rambling sort of way, so I'm going to take this moment to tell you that I ran someone off the road in between my classes today. It was really the fault of a rogue ambulance that tried to kill us all. I was trying to get out of its way when I ran into someone else's lane that I didn't see and they ran up on the curb and tore up the lawn of an office building. Then we all met up at a parking lot down the road and assessed the damage. There was none, other than a bunch of people (myself included) who thought they were having heart attacks. But the dude who came out of the car in question had a full-on grill in his mouth, top and bottom. I thought I was going to get my ass kicked. Which just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover, because the first thing he said was "Hey, are you okay?" To which I said, "Yes, are you okay?" And then I apologized, and they accepted, and everybody drove off. Weirdest effing thing.
I really should probably buy a little bottle of lotion and keep it in my bag. My hands are really dry.
3:37pm. Oh, sorry. I started looking at pictures of babies on the interwebs. He’s still talking about John Locke. And Libya. What?
I guess checking out for a little bit was okay, because just now, we’ve circled back to his original point: John Locke and Sir Isaac Newton were “philosophes” that helped to foment the Enlightenment. And also wielded their pens about indiscriminately. And their intellectual swords.
This has got to be part of his thesis when he got his master’s, because this is the most focused I have ever seen him on a topic. Too bad it results in a lot of repetitive crap, but yay him for being mostly unmockable!
I could be doing a crossword puzzle right now.
He very nearly spelled Voltaire “Voltair,” but saved himself at the end. Redemption! And then he said “Hey, did the Virgin really get screwed by a bird?” Aw. Redemption revoked.
You people realize that nobody can sit behind me in this class, right? I have to sit in the very. back.
He just said “En francais, ecrasez l’infame.” Sigh. Pretention. He either ruined or enhanced the pretentious effect by writing “E.L.I.” like it’s a well-known acronym right after. I can’t decide.
He just suggested that we all read L’Encyclopedie by Denis Diderot. He refrained from suggesting that we do it in French. He’s describing what one might find in L’Encyclopedie, and I’m pretty sure he’s just making this shit up because he knows that not a single soul in this room is going to test him on it. I’d test him just to be perverse, but I think it might be boring.
I just want my test back I just want my test back I just want my test back.
3:50pm – Still no digression. But we’re also still talking about Voltaire. And now he’s working Benjamin Franklin into it. If only he didn’t take twenty minutes to make a single point, and his classes were like this one everyday, there would be nothing to make fun of. It would just be a regular old class. And you would miss out on all this.
I think he thinks “waxing philosophical” means “talking about religion.” He’s not even talking about the mechanics of religion – any religion. He’s saying things like “They believed in God, or in a Supreme Being. Sorry for waxing philosophical.”
Wow, crazy – he’s been this focused all day and his dad passed away this morning. Bless his heart.
Aaaaaand, that's it! He'll be at his dad's funeral on Monday, so he'll see us Wednesday.The girl next to me mumbled something at me before she left. I think she does not care for the liveblog. Too bad for her that I don't care what she thinks.
Monday, February 28, 2011
US History Liveblog #1: 28 Feb 2011
2:50pm – Actual published start-time of class. He’s not here yet. So, on the syllabus today it says that we’ll be talking about The American Revolution, but given that we’re about three sections behind where the syllabus says we should be, I think I’ll take that with a grain of salt.
Also, there’s something wrong with this table. It’s making my laptop sit crooked, so I have to press the heels of my hands on the keyboard area to make it behave and not wiggle like the lopsided table at a bar.
2:55pm – he just came in completely bundled up in his usual outerwear and announced “I hope you’re all enjoying this beautiful weather.” It looks like he just walked in from Alaska.
He does not have our tests. Is anybody surprised? Also, he just found somebody’s cigarette butt right here on the floor in the classroom (WTF?) and put it in his back pocket. That’s terrifying. It wasn’t even his.
Now I guess we’re going to talk about the Oscars. He just said “Did your people win last night?” What people? Do we as Americans now own stakes in Oscar nominees? He has just informed us that Brits have one-act plays in the pubs in England instead of live music. How perfectly fascinating. He’s demonstrating a stutter in his description of The King’s Speech. For two minutes now. He suggests that everyone should travel to “wherever” because it “broadens your persona.” Except Mexico. He says don’t go there.
Well, he almost started class. Now he’s talking about when he lived in London (apparently when he saw the one-act plays in the pubs) and he once knew a “Shakespeare dude.” Insert Australian accent here. Apparently, said “Shakespeare dude” liked to flit betwixt pub and playhouse, drinking pints in between cues. Them’s the actions of a drunkard right there.
3:04pm – He’s promising us a “broader perspective on the passage of time” and claims that Early American History = “Ancient History.” He still hasn’t defined what it is we’re going to talk about today. But he’s giving us clues. The American Revolution is not to be covered today, sadly. I figured as much.
3:06pm – Topic still shrouded in mystery. He just asked a guy in the front row, presumably as an aside, for the “email number for hot dates.” Since we have yet to “gress,” does this count as a digression?
3:09pm - He just wrote on the board “Moral Economy, Mercantile Capitalism, Imperialism.” The sad part is, he seems to get stuck on these three ideas repeatedly and he doesn’t appear to be able to do more than describe them.
Apparently we are definitely talking about Moral Economy at the very least.
I’m a little irritated that I came in to class today. The main reason I did is because I wanted my test back. Now that I’m not getting it back today, it makes me want to go home.
He’s claiming that people in early America had the right to pay the “just price” or exercise taxation populaire. I’m going to have to check that one to see if it’s true. More examples of Moral Economy: sumptuary laws, which he explains thusly: “If I’m a peasant, I’m prohibited to walk down the streets of Philadelphia or Boston or London or Paris with a sword on my belt, because swords are a mark of the aristocracy.” He just used transvestites as another example of sumptuary law. Was this a rampant problem in Colonial America?
Charavari. What the hell is Charavari? Oh, it’s like Twelfth Night. He just sang the theme to The Jeffersons. Apparently, the Jeffersons wouldn’t have been accepted in Colonial America. Not only because they were black, but because they were upwardly mobile.
He just pronounced New Orleans “New Or-LON.”
We have just spent the better part of six minutes giving repetitive examples of charavari. Which is apparently pronounced “chah-ruh-varry.” Which sounds like a type of beans or something.
I’m actually kind of proud of him. We’ve made it about 14 minutes without a digression.
I just gave him an example he was asking for so that he would move on.
Aha! 3:22pm – Digression #1! He’s contradicting himself with regards to the sumptuary law declaration. Apparently hierarchical society *wasn’t* actually a law. It was just a tradition. He’s incorrectly equating marriage contracts and marriage licenses. Digression within a digression! He wants to talk about Homer. Of The Iliad, not Homer Simpson. He just declared categorically that Homer existed and all his stories were true. I’m sure that the world of ancient literature owes this man a great boon.
3:25pm – Digression is over, theoretically. Oh wait – not so much. He wants to shoot a rabbit and a deer on his land. Or wrestle them to the ground. I’m not sure.
He keeps advancing this theory that there was a common land system in Britain in the 16th and 17th centuries. He claims that there were these great swaths of land that the nobles and landowners just let the peasants use for free, as it was in their best interest to make sure their people weren’t starving and with an eye to be proactive against revolution. I’m pretty sure that’s not how it went. He keeps referencing something called the “Enclosure Movement.” He says that the peasants just woke up one morning and there was a huge metal fence surrounding this previously free land because nobles suddenly decided to grow crops and raise sheep for wool – both to export.
We’re only about forty minutes in to a 1 ½ hour class, and I’m pretty much done. Why did I come to class today again? Oh yeah. The test that he didn’t give back.
He just spelled “tobacco” – “tabacco.”
Digression #2 – his girlfriend reads nutritional labels. He does not.
Cacao = “cacoa.”
Apparently, cotton wasn’t that big a deal until after the American Revolution. I think that would be news to the slaves of the time. Ditto indigo.
Digression #3 – his friends think salt is bad for you.
All of the cash crops of the 16th and 17th centuries were apparently addictive, stimulating appetite suppressants. This, he suggests, was on purpose, to create demand for their supply. I’m thinking probably not, given the fact that the science didn’t exist at the time to even make that idea occur to the farmers. For the love of God, *germs* weren’t even discovered until the 19th century.
HE JUST CLAIMED THAT BY THE TIME OF THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, EVERY WORKING CLASS FAMILY HAD TOBACCO AND CHOCOLATE AT THE READY. It was a normal, everyday staple in both Britain and America. They’d just throw chocolate bars in with their lunches on the daily.
This is actually getting disheartening, just how far off he is. It’s a really good thing he doesn’t check attendance, because I can only stomach this about once a week.
Did you know that Gandhi wore serapes? I wonder if he had a sombrero, too. And maybe some maracas. At the very least, castanets. Also, he liked to flip off the British when nobody was looking. Gandhi sounds like a pretty cool dude. Not as much about all that peace shit as I thought.
So far, we have not talked about a single actual event in this class. We’ve talked about culture and generalities, but not a single actual historical event.
There are thirteen minutes left in this class. Three people have left already. I wish I was one of them.
Digression #4: I honestly can’t figure out where we’re going here. He’s talking about guilds and just randomly yelling “The British are coming! The British are coming!” But we’re not talking about the American Revolution yet. Is it because Paul Revere was a silversmith? What does that have to do with boots? He has just repeated the exact same three sentences twice in a row. It’s like the record skipped and restarted.
“And now with the few minutes remaining to us: The Poor.” We have six minutes to cover an immense global issue.
After that, he trails off to a mumble and then announces “I’ll see you Wednesday!!” That’s probably true, given that he still has my test to hold over me. But next Monday? Maybe not. Maybe I’ll make my attendance to this class a weekly thing on Wednesdays: the only day I have another class after this one. While I'm intensely curious about what he's going to come up with next, I'm far less keen on torturing myself twice weekly.
The US History "Professor" In Question
I just spent 20 minutes wandering around trying to find a damn outlet. None to be had, so we're on battery power. I refuse to let that influence this post. I will not bow to your paltry laws of science and batteries and such.
Before I start my liveblog (for which I will have AC power, thank the Good Lord), I should give you a picture (and some examples) of my US History professor. I deliberately used quotation marks above because this man tells some amazing stories in my US History I class, and very few of them are actually true. This class covers America from Pre-Columbus to 1877, which is a random cut-off if you ask me. Sure, Reconstruction and all that, but it was a hip and happening world in 1877.
First, let me describe the man. He looks like George Carlin but without the facial hair. His voice is a dead ringer for Al Pacino's. He wears dress slacks and either sweaters with button-downs underneath, or just turtleneck sweaters by themselves. He always, always comes to class bundled up in a coat and with a really long scarf wrapped about thirty times around his neck. My friend Spidey tends to sit closer to him than I do, but he claims that there is a certain aroma of wine about the man just about every day. Which explains a lot. He works blue, as if a plenitude of F-bombs is going to help him connect to the clueless teenagers that sit in front of him twice a week. He digresses with regularity.
My notes in this class started out serious, because I thought I was in a regular class. Nevermind the fact that he told us on the first day that he will never take attendance. And also nevermind that every test is open-book, open-notes and even open-Wiki if you bring a laptop or a smartphone. (Wiki is more accurate than this man.) As time went on, I realized it wasn't that he was treating us like adults. It was that he really did not give a shit. I used to not write down the digressions and weird things that he said, preferring instead to write what I actually already knew to be true to help me remember when it came to be test time. Then I realized that I don't really give a shit, either, and it was more entertaining to write down what he was actually saying than any real facts about the nation's history, which clearly I can just get from the book or the Google or whatever on the day of the test.
Some examples taken from my actual notes:
From misappropriated terms to strange jokes and completely erroneous stories about how we, as a culture, came up with certain idioms and such, he's a real treat as long as I can forget that I'm paying for this class. Sadly, I don't forget that very often. Hence the physical tic that tries to keep my eyes from rolling out of my head.
I've gleaned a few key bits of information about this guy from various sources (and by various sources I tend to mean people who sit down next to me at picnic tables and start talking randomly to me - there will be an entire post about that little phenomenon) and I think they're pertinent here: he is a jazz musician and he has a girlfriend from Paris. The jazz musician-ness explains the clothes. The French girlfriend makes sense because she probably doesn't know anything about US History and is content to believe his version of it without question.
We have to write a term paper for this class. It's supposed to be five pages. In the syllabus he says that we can choose anything in American history until 1877. Or, you know, a movie you saw once. Or a book you read. Anything, really, as long as it's five pages. You don't even have to have source material. Sadly, I am not making this up.
Today we get our first tests back. His tests are five short answers, and then you choose two of four essay questions and expound upon them to your heart's content. This included such earth-shatterers as "Briefly explain slavery in North America. Why did such a practice exist?" and "Describe Pre-Columbian Native Americans."
It took everything I had not to respond to the latter with "Oh, you know - not too tall, not too short. Two eyes, hair. A nose, a mouth. Probably some exotic body paint or a fur thrown rakishly over one shoulder."
This class has been sent from God to test my self-restraint. I know it.
Before I start my liveblog (for which I will have AC power, thank the Good Lord), I should give you a picture (and some examples) of my US History professor. I deliberately used quotation marks above because this man tells some amazing stories in my US History I class, and very few of them are actually true. This class covers America from Pre-Columbus to 1877, which is a random cut-off if you ask me. Sure, Reconstruction and all that, but it was a hip and happening world in 1877.
First, let me describe the man. He looks like George Carlin but without the facial hair. His voice is a dead ringer for Al Pacino's. He wears dress slacks and either sweaters with button-downs underneath, or just turtleneck sweaters by themselves. He always, always comes to class bundled up in a coat and with a really long scarf wrapped about thirty times around his neck. My friend Spidey tends to sit closer to him than I do, but he claims that there is a certain aroma of wine about the man just about every day. Which explains a lot. He works blue, as if a plenitude of F-bombs is going to help him connect to the clueless teenagers that sit in front of him twice a week. He digresses with regularity.
My notes in this class started out serious, because I thought I was in a regular class. Nevermind the fact that he told us on the first day that he will never take attendance. And also nevermind that every test is open-book, open-notes and even open-Wiki if you bring a laptop or a smartphone. (Wiki is more accurate than this man.) As time went on, I realized it wasn't that he was treating us like adults. It was that he really did not give a shit. I used to not write down the digressions and weird things that he said, preferring instead to write what I actually already knew to be true to help me remember when it came to be test time. Then I realized that I don't really give a shit, either, and it was more entertaining to write down what he was actually saying than any real facts about the nation's history, which clearly I can just get from the book or the Google or whatever on the day of the test.
Some examples taken from my actual notes:
- From February 7th (it did not take me long to start amusing myself with my notes): "For some reason, he started talking about the Llano Estacado, which he pronounces "Yah-noh Esk-a-tah-doh," and then No Country For Old Men, which he believes was directed by the same guy as Biutiful."
- Also from February 7th: "He also claims that all North American mustangs derive from a single release of a string of horses in 1680. Mass generalizations about Native Americans and horsemanship followed, and then a stroll down memory lane where he talked about that one time he rode a horse."
- From February 16th: "He just pronounced it 'deus ex machine-ah.'"
- Also from February 16th: "Did you know that all Black Irish descended from fifteen shipwrecked Spaniards?"
- More from February 16th: "He just claimed that all Spanish settlements were completely homogenous from LA to Buenos Aires."
From misappropriated terms to strange jokes and completely erroneous stories about how we, as a culture, came up with certain idioms and such, he's a real treat as long as I can forget that I'm paying for this class. Sadly, I don't forget that very often. Hence the physical tic that tries to keep my eyes from rolling out of my head.
I've gleaned a few key bits of information about this guy from various sources (and by various sources I tend to mean people who sit down next to me at picnic tables and start talking randomly to me - there will be an entire post about that little phenomenon) and I think they're pertinent here: he is a jazz musician and he has a girlfriend from Paris. The jazz musician-ness explains the clothes. The French girlfriend makes sense because she probably doesn't know anything about US History and is content to believe his version of it without question.
We have to write a term paper for this class. It's supposed to be five pages. In the syllabus he says that we can choose anything in American history until 1877. Or, you know, a movie you saw once. Or a book you read. Anything, really, as long as it's five pages. You don't even have to have source material. Sadly, I am not making this up.
Today we get our first tests back. His tests are five short answers, and then you choose two of four essay questions and expound upon them to your heart's content. This included such earth-shatterers as "Briefly explain slavery in North America. Why did such a practice exist?" and "Describe Pre-Columbian Native Americans."
It took everything I had not to respond to the latter with "Oh, you know - not too tall, not too short. Two eyes, hair. A nose, a mouth. Probably some exotic body paint or a fur thrown rakishly over one shoulder."
This class has been sent from God to test my self-restraint. I know it.
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