An Open Letter to CCC Students

(BTW - this is written after I went ahead and trudged the hundred miles to get breakfast tacos.  I'm fed, but I'm not any less cranky.)

Dear CCC Students,

I have to share this educational space with you little bastards, so let's discuss some issues I have with you.

Stop getting behind me on the stairs and then sighing when I'm not walking fast enough.  Fucking go around me.  I am a reasonably in-shape person, but I'm still a gigantic, mountain of a woman carrying a fifty-pound backpack on my back.  And yes, I wear it with two straps, because if I don't, the sheer weight of the knowledge yet to be imparted to me would cause it to fall on the ground and break my damn laptop (which probably accounts for at least half the weight anyway).  Also, wearing it with two straps causes me to throw my shoulders back in a weird sort of upright posture that I'm not accustomed to, thereby causing me to feel like I'm having a heart attack at any moment.  You would be wise just to STFU and go around me.

When you tell me that I look older than 32 and then ask me for a favor?  It's highly unlikely that you will get said favor.  It's far more likely that I will follow you to your car and then have a Kathy Bates moment, whereupon I ram the everlovin' shit out of your car with my car and then speed away, cackling and yelling "I'm older and have more insurance."

Stop taking up all the study carrols that have plugs for laptops if you did not even bring your laptop.  See the red tags?  Those carrols are for people who have technology to plug in.  They are for people who have blog posts to write.  Find one without a red tag and sit your happy ass down.

Also, we must address the screaming and beatings in the common areas.  I realize that for some of you, it's some sort of courting ritual, but I haven't actually seen a boy beat a girl with a belt since I was in high school.  Besides the whole feminist angle where I point out that having this as part of your romance thereby tacitly makes it okay for domestic violence further down the line, it's fucking annoying.  Stop it.  If you want to scream at each other and beat each other with fashion accessories, do it somewhere else.

In class, please just assume that you are an idiot and keep your goddamn mouth shut.  I don't really want or need your commentary considering its contents probably won't be on the test, but if you want to see me turn all Ghostbusters-ghostly-librarian on your ass, keep going.  I promise you I will shush you and then my face will turn into a version of hell only brought to you previously by really bad special effects houses in really bad movies.  (Disclaimer: Ghostbusters is not a really bad movie.  But the special effects are dated.)

On that same note, it is not cute when you wander in late to class.  I can totally understand it once in awhile, but when it's you, twice weekly, wandering in with a shit-eating grin on your face, I begin to hate you really hard.

Even more of the same, quit your fucking whining.  It's cute when my nine-year-old says "it's hard" because she does it as a joke with a cute little voice.  It's not cute when you do it.  Tell it to your mommy.  Some of it is hard, but sack up and figure it out.

Hey, non-traditional students.  Where the hell do you all go?  I see you walking around out there and in the little cafe and whatnot, but where do you go after that?  You're not in any of my classes except Elementary Algebra.  Did I just pick the wrong classes?

I do not want to see your underwear.  And I'm not talking about the boys.  I could give a rat's ass about them.  If I can see the top of your thong and know that the rest of it is firmly wedged up your ass at this very moment, that is far too much for me to think about.  Eighteen-year-old tart on the commons, I'm talking to you.  (Also, didn't that particular fashion go out around the time of Monica Lewinsky?  Or am I just out of date yet again?)

On the flip side of that, what's with that one Amish-looking girl?  Seriously, this is Texas.  Do we even have Amish people here?  And if so, how is she allowed to go to CCC?  We have computers and crap here.  I think we might be full of the devil.  I may have to talk to that girl the next time I see her walking around and find out exactly what's going on, because that one's keeping me up nights.

Okay, I think I've covered it all for today.  But I have to tell you, you're working my last good nerve, and unless Spring Break gets here really soon, I cannot be responsible for my actions when it finally snaps.