US History Liveblog #4: 23 Mar 2011

Here we are, kiddies, in the class that makes my skin crawl almost as much as lizard toenails.

There are just a handful of people here today.  Like maybe 13 or 14.

The syllabus, optimistically, says we’re going to talk about the Age of Jackson today.  Given that we haven’t actually covered the American Revolution, I’m thinking that’s doubtful.

He just told us that humor is related to human sexuality.  All jokes are evidently sexual in nature.  Or maybe just his.  I’m assuming he’s building up to something really crass about either Japan or Libya.  Just a guess.  He’s been sidetracked from his sidetrack by the beauty of ethnic slurs.  Yay.  Oh, goody.  He just taught us a new one.  I won’t share it with you because it’s truly, truly horrible.  Ooh, and another new one, even worse than the other one.  I learned something today, and I don’t like it.

Apparently, he skipped the American Revolution outright and went straight to the Constitution on Monday.  Seriously?

HE JUST ASKED IF ANYBODY IN THE CLASS WAS HOLDING.

Nobody answered.  Hee.

Now he’s pointing at a Hispanic guy and telling him that when the Constitution was being drafted “YOU PEOPLE were left out of it.”  (Emphasis his.)

Did you know that in French, canaille means “masses?”  I thought it meant “duck.”  As in quack-quack.  In fact, I’m almost positive it means duck.  I think maybe his French girlfriend is onto the lies he tells her about US History and is telling him lies of her own.

So, can I add two things about the lizard story?  My grandmother, God rest her soul, believed that all lizards were chameleons, whether they were actually chameleons or not.  And she pronounced this “sha-MEE-lee-yuns.”  She was also convinced that they all bit people.  This may or may not have contributed to my reptile hysteria.  When M1 asked me why I was freaking out about a lizard in the front yard, I explained to her that shameeleeyuns bite people.  Spike, who knows that this notion comes from my late grandmother (who, to be fair, suffered from senile dementia in her final years), piped up from down the hall:  “THAT’S why you’re scared of lizards?!”  He then proceeded to look it up on Google (using his iPod Touch, standing in the middle of M1’s room).  He got as far as typing in D-O-SPACE-C-H-A and Google suggested “Do chameleons bite?”  The answer is, yes.  Yes, some of them do.  I’m pretty sure that one would have, if I’d given him the chance.  He looked like a bitey sort.  So that’s the first thing.  Then, we were still worked up about the lizard but trying to get M2 to take a damn nap, because he was really tired and really, really cranky.  So, I decided it would be a great idea to tell him that if he doesn’t sleep, I’ll go find the lizard and put it in his underwear, thinking he would totally get the joke.  Turns out, he was too tired to get the joke and started sobbing that I was going to put a lizard in his pants.  No matter that I’ve never even spanked the child, or put anything living in his bed or in his clothes or even up to his face for examination before – apparently seven years of good parenting fly out the window and I became a person who is capable of shoving a lizard down my son’s pants.  I’m not sure if that makes me sad or amused.

He’s still talking about white men with property.  I would think he has a chip on his shoulder, but he’s white.  Maybe it’s liberal guilt.

So, I went to Bingo today on the break between classes.  I didn’t win.  Again.  I wonder if there’s a world record for number of bingo games that a person has played but NEVER EVER WON.  I might could snag that world record.

There’s a runner that works at that bingo hall, and he speaks with a British accent that I’m fairly sure is fake.  I have no idea why he would fake a British accent, but I’m almost positive he does.  I have thought about asking him questions about Britain that might trip him up, but I’m not sure I care that much about it.  Although it is irritating.  Also, there’s a guy who works there as a runner and every time I look at him, I hope to God he has another job.  He just seems really normal and capable.  I just can’t believe that the only thing he’s fit for is bingo running.  Maybe he has a raging meth habit.  But he has all his teeth.  It’s a mystery.

I think this guy is a Libertarian.  He just told us to read the Constitution all the way through when we’re on the toilet.  I don’t think he should make suggestions about my bathroom time.

He’s asking questions that I know the answer to, but I answered two things already and every time I talk I have to make certain that it’s not coming out the way it sounds in my head.  That is, dripping with honey-coated sarcasm.

Written on the board: SEDITION ACT and SEDITIOUS LIBEL.  I thought “seditious” was misspelled, but Microsoft Word says it’s right.  Well done, sir!  However, he forgot a pretty important word: ALIEN.  And also, he forgot the whole reasoning behind the Alien and Sedition Act.

I probably would have done better to actually go eat something instead of doing that second session of Bingo.  Especially given that I didn’t win.  I’m hungry now.  I just ate a Twix bar, but it’s not helping.  I think I hear my friend Sue yelling at me all the way from Connecticut.  Simmer down, Sue.  I’ll go get something to eat for reals after this class is done.  The little café does a pretty great chicken salad sandwich.

Now the board reads: SEDITION ACT, SEDITIOUS LIBEL and WHISKEY.  Sounds like a good afternoon to me.

He really, really likes sweeping generalizations.  Now he’s sweepingly generalizing people from Appalachia.

Oh Lord.  We’re digressing again.  He did manage to address the Whiskey Rebellion.  So well done him.  But he has warned us never to have sons named Plough Jobber.  I’m pretty sure that won’t ever happen to me.

Sorry about that.  I was looking at PostSecret for a minute because I haven’t had a minute to do that yet this week.  I completely zoned out.  Now he’s talking about an area of town that he likes a lot.  Because that’s relevant.

I am really, really hungry.

Now the board says SEDITION ACT, SEDITIOUS LIBEL, WHISKEY, DANIEL SHAYS, PLOUGH JOBBER, REPUBLIC and LAWYERS.

It’s like a class for lunatics.  Also, he really, really hates lawyers.  Hope nobody in here wants to be one or anything.

A republican government is based on the low-ah?  WTF?  Oh, the law.

Heyyyy…  I just realized that Xavier the Spaniard isn’t here.  He’s supposed to be in Business Computing tonight.  He’s in my group.  I will be royally ticked if I end up being the only group member that shows up tonight.

Newsflash: the Civil War was absolutely not about slavery.  That’s news to me.

Ohhhhh.  Now we’re getting to Libya.  Because that’s relevant.

This class ends so freakin’ abruptly.  Susan, I am off to find something to eat.  I promise.