The Story of the Sneaky Lizard, Part 1

Spring Break week had some really, really lovely weather.  I opened all the windows in my house almost every day, including the big sliding glass door that leads to the patio.

On the first Friday, I worked half a day(ish) and came home to wait for my brother and nephew to arrive.  I opened up the sliding glass door and slid the screen door shut to keep the cats in.  Something fell at my feet.

It was a lizard.

Now, I don't like reptiles.  I have deep-rooted reasons for my hatred of snakes, and less rational reasons for the hatred of lizards and such. (Except, I will say this: toenails.  Little, scrabbling toenails.  Possibly on my skin.  See?  You hate them too.)  I don't mind frogs and toads (no toenails that I know of), but I hate reptiles.  I hate even going into the reptile house at the Zoo, but I do it because that's how much I love my children.

This lizard was a skinny little thing, probably eight or nine inches from nose to tail.  He was dark green and he had evil, malevolent eyes.  He was such a surprise that I screamed.  He jumped.  At me.  I screamed again.

I don't think I have mentioned: I have a giant cat.  I have a cat who is half-black, half-Siamese.  He can put his back feet on the floor and reach his front feet all the way up on the kitchen cabinet.  He has to weigh at least twenty pounds.  And he loves me irrationally and devotedly.

When I screamed, he came running.

At that point, I realized that if I didn't get this reptile out of the house now, I was going to have lizard guts all over the floor and also probably puke from when my cat's pampered little stomach tried to process lizard.  So instead of screaming hysterically at the cosmos as I had been, I started screaming at the lizard.

"RUN!!  IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE!!"

I shoved the screen door open and kept screaming at him till he finally decided that going out the open door was probably the best way to get away from my ear-splitting screeches (assuming lizards have ears), and he left.  I slammed the screen door after him.  My cat was pissed.  This asshole little lizard decided to show the cat who was boss and sat on my back porch in plain view for a full fifteen minutes.  The next time I went to look for him, he was gone.

That should have been the last I saw of the lizard.