Uh-oh.
I should note that I saw him today in the non-CCC affiliated cafe on the golf course next to the campus. He was watching the History Channel. Hey, friend: it's not helping.
First digression! 2:50pm - he's reminiscing about walking into a British courtroom and seeing the barristers, etc., with the wigs. Insert Monty Python-esque Ministry of Silly Walks across the front of the classroom.
He says that one of the quintessential Enlightenment documents in existence is the United States Constitution. Hmmmm, maybe. I could see that, maybe. And then he called the drafters of the Constitution "those boys." Sigh.
We're revisiting the whole Benjamin Franklin deal that we talked about last week. He just warned us not to put a key on the end of a kite in a lightning storm. Thanks for your concern for our safety, sir. Also don't try putting a metal rod on top of your house. He doesn't suggest you should hire a professional to do that for you (hey, I've seen Dirty Jobs), just don't do it. Ever.
And now, here's a story that happened earlier today. I should preface this story by saying that I went to high school in the ghetto back in the day. But today I was privy to the most interesting conversation I've listened to since I got to CCC. One girl was talking to another girl - apparently they went to junior high together. They were catching up on how some people from junior high were doing. And then the whole thing devolved into a litany of people that each of them had fought with over some boy up until the present day. Holy crap. One of them said "If I've placed with you, I don't wanna be your friend." Well, I shouldn't think so. If I've had your fist slam into my face, I don't wanna be your friend, either. The other one said "Well, I was gonna hit her, but I was boxing at the time, and my fists was registered. So if I hit her, I'd have to go to jail. I did go to jail for two weeks, though. Because I fought the teacher that was trying to hold me back." Awesome. Unintentionally awesome. I want to register my fists. I want a certificate and everything. It should have a picture of my fists and gold lettering and I will hang it on my wall. Then if anybody pisses me off, I won't even say anything to them. I'll just point silently to my certificate of registration for my fists.
Still talking about Ben Franklin.
So here's another story that happened earlier today. We were talking about Napster in Radio and TV and the teacher asked the guy a question about it. His response: "I don't know. I was, like, eight at the time." I have no words.
Oh, he does have our tests! Redemption! But he won't give them to us until the end of class. Redemption, again, revoked. I don't think he's ever been redeemed without revocation. He remains unredeemed.
I really wish I had bought a Diet Dr. Pepper before this class. I'm thirsty.
You know, sometimes, I think maybe he has weird little strokes. He says two or three words that don't appear to have any connection to each other at all. Like "lay exhorting." What?
Second digression: televangelists. He just impressed upon us his own personal diversity by claiming that he's been to synagogues, temples, White Christian Churches and Black Christian Churches. Upon which he did his best impression of a "black church." I'm sure the one black guy in our class loves that. It was complete with "OH JAYSUS." That wasn't racist at all.
Speaking of racist, he once told us that the origin of the word "honky" was the white boys that would date black girls and wouldn't go up to the house and ring the doorbell: they'd honk the car horn for them. For the actual origin of the word "honky": http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/756/whats-the-origin-of-honky
By the way, did you know that you don't see a lot of white Baptists around these days? Only black ones. Somebody better tell my entire white Baptist family.
Now he's calling us all "brothers and sisters" like this is a church service. AGONY. TORTURE. I AM DOING THIS FOR YOU, PEOPLE.
Not to be overly academic or to mince words: "Why was the American Revolution a revolution at all?"
That's not overly academic or mincing words. That's just a stupid question. Anytime a band of rebels fights against an established government or regime, that's a revolution. That's an actual definition. Look it up.
He claims that the French Revolution and the Russian Revolution are actual revolutions. But the American Revolution, not so much, because there were "no fundamental changes" after the war was over. Because the slaves weren't free, women weren't un-oppressed, and still only landowners could vote. So a better term would be "rebellion." Noooooo, a rebellion is a failed revolution. Doesn't the whole change from monarchy to democracy count as a fundamental change? He says we should interpret it how we want. Good. I will. Your ideas are prime examples of asshat fuckery.
Oh my Jesus. He just said that British soldiers were called "lobster butts." Lobsterbacks, you absolute assface.
There is a really long metal pole in this room for no discernible reason. I want to hit him with it.
And now it's time for a dance break. Just select your own music and boogie down right where you are, because you would be really bored if we all have to go through a description of 1700s British Society AGAIN. He doesn't know much about this, either, but he thinks he does and he likes to talk about it. A lot.
Here are some other oft-repeated phrases:
- In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. (We know.)
- A hungry man is an angry man.
Now he's threatening imaginary penguins with an imaginary gun. He wants them to fish for him.
If I don't have an A on this test, I'm going to flip a trashcan or something on my way out. OK, not really, but I'll think about doing that. And maybe if I think about it hard enough, I could do it telekinetically. I'll probably be pissed off enough. Kind of like the Firestarter.
First student walked out right now: 3:24pm.
I think maybe he lived in Australia for awhile and somebody lied to him and told him it was Britain. Because whenever he lapses into stories about Britain, he uses an Australian accent.
Oh, mercy. He just used the word "dudettes."
Sorry, I blanked again. I think I was singing "Skip to My Lou" in my head. 3:30pm. I'm really hoping he'll run out of steam soon, but I think that's a futile hope.
I have to say, the little restaurant on the golf course makes really great fries. They were fresh and crispy.
I think I actually see my test in the stack. It's calling to me. "Help me! Liberate me!" I'm coming, test paper! I just have to sit here until he finally runs out of words!
We're missing about half of the students today. It's been that way all day. People are just starting Spring Break early, I guess. We're also missing The Amazing Spider-Man, but he might have just missed the bus.
3:35 - for the last two minutes, he's been reading a "quote" from Ethan Allen. It said nothing about furniture. In the same way, quotes from Sam Adams seem never to mention beer.
You know, I'm starting to think that we might just breeze right through the American Revolution without ever talking about a single event. Just ideas. It's really irritating. I love the events. And if the "ideas" are that it's not actually a revolution but more like a rebellion, he can take his ideas and shove them right where the sun doesn't shine.
He just claimed that the poor people of Boston never got married: they just cohabitated. I may have to get a tattoo that says "I'm pretty sure that's not how it went." I'll just point to it when my bullshit-meter goes off in this class. I should probably get it done in neon, actual neon. Save myself a shitload of pointing.
I'm not certain, but I think he might be trying to foment revolution here in this class. I'm not sure if this is symbolic for the discussion or what. He might be trying to overthrow something. Or maybe he just likes rallies.
He claims that the people of Boston rioted (which they did) and knocked over Stamp Act kiosks with people in them and that was pretty much it. I'm pretty sure that's not how it went.
You know, this class would probably be tolerable with a beer. Or six. I'd certainly be happier.
Actually said just now: "How do you focus that energy? BOOM." Is that the answer? Boom? Is that a verb? Is that the solution to the energy focus problem?
And then he just stopped. This is the weirdest fucking class. He's passing out the tests now, so I'm posting. I'll let you know how I do.
If you get an A, don't forget to post it on your refrigerator!
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